Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, but you don’t care because you gave up relationships for Lent. AND OKAY MAYBE that was a year ago, but you’re just really committed to the cause, you know? Learning to love yourself takes time, (lots and lots and lots of time), but by now you realized that you really are the only sweetheart you need. We asked LA-based comedian Barbara Gray to walk you through a perfect solo V-day for all those who will be treating themselves this year. So, it’s time to ask yourself: “Will you be my Valentine?”. And guess what? You will.

Valentine’s Day is always geared towards couples, whether they’ve been together forever and need an excuse go out on the town and look into each other’s eyes instead of the TV, or newly dating partners who are under pressure to buy that perfect gift for someone they’ve seen naked a few times. But what about The Rest Of Us? (The single people.) Well, you’re in luck, because I rejected dozens of date offers with handsome celebrities and tech billionaires to bring to you this very practical guide to celebrating Valentine’s Day solo.

ONE

Brainstorm some ideas. This is your day to treat yourself. You can do anything! The world is your oyster!

TWO

Give up and ask your cat what you should do. Don’t expect him to answer. He’s not in the mood.

THREE

Get inspired.

FOUR

A picnic! Wow, you’re truly a genius. Pack up some snacks and get ready to head out. Assure your cat he’s the love of your life but you just need a little “me” time.

FIVE

Take a moment before you leave to write out some heartfelt Valentines for some loved ones. They’ll be pleasantly surprised, and maybe they’ll even pay back that $27 dollars they owe you, Janice.

SIX

Check the clock. You don’t want to be late for your own date. Not like last time.

SEVEN

Pick some fruit and admire its journey. You are both on the tree of life, branching out onto your own, waiting for the universe to pluck you at exactly the right moment. Consider that maybe you’ve been reading too much poetry lately.

EIGHT

Get to the park set up on the grass. Refuse help if anyone offers, no matter how many times the blanket whips back into your face. This is YOUR time.

NINE

Stare up at the clouds and think about the small joys in life and also your friends in relationships who are probably fighting over dinner reservations right now.

TEN

Try to make friends with some ducks who apparently don’t care for apples.

ELEVEN

Recover from the duck rejection.

TWELVE

What’s this? A mysterious card in your tote bag?

THIRTEEN

“Dear Me – Happy Valentine’s Day. I got you a little something. Love, Me.” Oh, I shouldn’t have!

FOURTEEN

It’s the beach towel you’ve been eyeing on Society6! Not for any other reason than you needed a beach towel, you seriously didn’t even really realize what was on it, oh wow look, crazy, it’s a kind-of naked dude, haha that’s so funny and random.

FIFTEEN

Hang out with your new towel, like anybody would do.

SIXTEEN

Snuggle up and reflect on a successful solo Valentine’s Day. Consider bringing bread next year so the ducks will be your friend. Not like you care. Dumb ducks.

Photos by Kim Newmoney

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